Retracing Steps
by MissMouseMD
Summary: The truth is he's been numb. MeredithDerek.
1. Numb

**Title:** Retracing Steps

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it.

**A/N: **Okay, I'm writing two fics at once, so I won't be able to update as often. Anyway, this is just a kind of teaser chapter, all the real action will happen in the chapters to come. Please REVIEW and tell me if you think I should continue or not. Thanks!**

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**Numb**

**Meredith **

It broke her heart to see him there every day.

With her.

That's why she left.

She tells herself it was because of work.

Technically, Boston Medical Center **did** offer her more money.

But that wasn't why she left.

She left because of him.

She knows it.

She just doesn't want to face it.

**Five Years Later**

**Derek**

He hasn't seen Meredith Grey in five years.

One day, she just disappeared.

Got a job on the east coast.

Packed up and left everything behind.

It hurt him.

Hurt him that she didn't say goodbye.

It still hurts.

His wife left him three years ago.

Said he wasn't the same man she married.

Said he wasn't trying.

It wasn't worth it.

The truth is; he's been numb.

Ever since she left.

He just can't feel anything.

**Meredith**

Her life is different now.

She doesn't go to bars.

Doesn't drown her worries in alcohol.

The truth is; she's been numb.

Ever since she left.

She just can't feel anything.

She keeps a distance from her coworkers.

She's a mystery to them.

She'd like to keep it like that.

She's at home, enjoying what little alone time she has, when the phone rings.

She stares at it.

It's eight o'clock on a Friday night.

Who calls on Friday night?

Curious, she picks up the phone.

Only to drop it in shock a minute later.

It was her step-mother.

Her father is dead.

She can't really believe it.

She feels like she's in a sort of dream.

She'd like to wake up now.

She makes the travel arrangements in a trance.

_Two tickets to Seattle, please._

_

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_**A/N:** Oooh! Semi-cliffhanger! Review, please, and I'll continue.I really appreciate it!


	2. Shock

**Title:** Retracing Steps

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it.

**A/N:** Here's chapter two! This one is a lot longer, and it contains a lot of shockers, hence the title. Anyway, I'll try to update fast, faster if you guys review!**

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**Shock**

**Meredith**

She's packing her suitcase.

She should be crying.

Heartbroken.

But the thing is; she never really knew her father.

Maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet.

She walks into the bedroom.

Stands in the doorway.

Doesn't want to wake anyone up.

She stands by the bed.

And looks down at her beautiful baby girl.

Who'll never know her grandfather.

And all of a sudden, the tears are threatening to come.

She bites her lip.

Squeezes her eyes shut tight.

She can't cry.

It'll make it too real.

The feeling passes and she walks back out of the room.

And packs a second, smaller suitcase.

…

The plane ride goes smoothly.

She never really liked planes.

There's no one to tell her it'll be okay.

But she's too busy telling it to her daughter.

Adrienne's quiet for a two-year-old.

Solemn.

Big, blue eyes.

Just like her mother's.

Adrienne sits on her lap the whole trip.

Doesn't cry once.

Everyone, even the flight attendant, comments on what a sweet girl she is.

Meredith smiles, proud.

She's sacrificed a lot for this.

She no longer has any social life.

She rarely gets down time.

But she wants the best for her daughter.

And most of all, she wants Adrienne's childhood to be happier than hers was.

…

The plane's landing.

She holds her daughter to her.

The truth is; she's more frightened than her daughter.

She's claiming her baggage when it hits her.

She doesn't have a place to stay.

There's no way she's staying with her father's family.

She really doesn't want to go to a hotel.

She opens a phone book.

_Stevens, Isobel_

She carefully dials the number shown on the page.

The phone rings for a while.

Izzie's probably at work.

But then,

"Hello?"

"Izzie?"

"Who is this?"

"Um, this is Meredith. Meredith Grey."

"Oh my God, _Meredith?_ What are you doing here?"

"My father died. I'm here for his funeral. And I figured I might as well visit you guys while I'm here."

"Well, you have to come over!"

"Are you sure? I don't want to intrude."

"Of course! Where are you?"

"The airport. I'll call a taxi. So…I'll see you?"

"See you."

She hangs up the phone.

Izzie still lives in her mother's house.

Last time she checked, George was there, too.

They don't pay rent, in exchange for keeping it livable.

She dials the taxi number.

Goes outside to wait.

The taxi drive is agonizing.

She hasn't told Izzie about Adrienne yet.

She's still nervous about her reaction.

She tips the taxi driver.

Probably more than is necessary.

But she's not really concentrating.

She rings the doorbell.

Izzie flings open the door.

And sees Meredith Grey, holding a two-year-old.

Her jaw drops in shock.

"Meredith…is she yours?"

She rolls her eyes.

"No, I just picked her up at the supermarket. Of course she's mine. Izzie, this is Adrienne. My daughter."

The little girl just stares at Izzie.

And Izzie stares back.

Until her face breaks into a smile.

"She's beautiful."

And then,

"Oh, what am I doing? Come in!"

Meredith smiles, and walks into the house that was hers once.

"Okay, we kept your old room for you, but we didn't know you were bringing a toddler with you, so I don't know how that's going to work. Oh, and George is at the grocery store. He'll be back soon."

"I think my old crib from when I was little is still here. I know I never threw anything out."

Izzie smiles.

"That's perfect."

The door opens.

George walks in.

Holding the groceries.

He takes one look at Meredith Grey.

Holding her daughter.

And drops the bag in shock.

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**A/N:** Some of you guys guessed right! So, what do you think? Let me know in a REVIEW, please! 


	3. Funeral

**Title:** Retracing Steps

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it.

**A/N:**Please review! Thanks!**

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**Funeral**

**Meredith**

"Mere…she…yours…?"

George is having trouble stringing a sentence together.

"Yeah. She's mine."

He's managed to put himself back together.

Mostly.

"Whose is it?"

She smiles wryly.

"I don't want to talk about that. Let's just say that I finally learned the error of my ways."

Izzie and George know when not to say anything.

She stifles a yawn.

Adrienne is already fast asleep in her arms.

"Listen, I'm exhausted, and I'm going to go get some sleep. Adrienne can just sleep with me tonight."

They nod, and she makes her way upstairs.

…

She wakes up to a finger poking her face.

A solemn little face is staring at her.

"Up now."

Her high pitched voice is plaintive.

Commanding.

"Uh, okay, one sec. Mommy's tired."

"Hungry."

With a groan, she drags herself out of bed.

It's 6:30.

…

The funeral is at 1:00.

She's pacing the floor.

Three more hours.

She lays her dress out on the bed.

Chews her fingernails.

…

With two and a half hours, she takes Adrienne to the park.

Her fingernails are ragged.

…

She gets dressed with one hour to go.

Her fingernails are chewed down to the quick.

She dresses Adrienne.

And waits.

…

She goes through the funeral in a daze.

Hugs her step-mother.

Half-sisters.

It doesn't matter that she's only met them once.

Adrienne is quiet through the whole service.

Everyone's staring at her with pity.

Poor, poor girl.

She doesn't have a father anymore.

She wants to scream that she never had a father.

Instead, she remains silent.

Lets them feel sorry for her.

…

When she gets home, her head is full.

She changes into something more casual.

She can't stay alone in the house.

She'll think too much.

Izzie rode with George that morning.

She borrows her car.

Drives to the hospital.

Adrienne in tow.

**Derek**

He's standing in the hall.

Reading a file.

He looks up, and blinks.

Hard.

He could have sworn he saw-

"Meredith?"

She whirls around, and sees him.

Her eyes widen.

She can't speak.

He notices something.

By her feet.

It's a little girl.

She leans down.

Picks her up.

And walks toward him.

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**A/N:** Review, and I'll hurry with the next chapter. You know you want to... 


	4. Friends

**Title:** Retracing Steps

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it.

**A/N:** Okay, this chapter like redefines short chapters, and I'm totally sorry, but I didn't have time to write a longer one, so it's just going to tide you guys over until I get the time to write a long one. REVIEW, please!**

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**Friends**

**Derek**

He's speechless.

Meredith.

His Meredith.

Someone else got her.

Someone else gets to be happy with her.

She's smiling, a little.

"Hi."

Her voice is soft.

"Hi."

His is ragged.

He can't stop looking at her little girl.

She's beautiful.

He wishes she was his.

With Meredith.

"This is Adrienne."

He nods.

The girl looks at him with big eyes.

She's an old soul.

Wise old eyes in a young, childish face.

He clears his throat.

"So are you…Did you…who's the father?"

She looks at him like he's grown another head.

"I don't want to talk about it."

He nods.

"So, you're not…"

"No. And you're not…"

"No."

The silence is awkward.

She turns to leave.

His voice stops her.

"Meredith?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you like to have lunch with me? As friends."

She smiles.

"Sure. As friends."

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**A/N:** I apologize for the shortness! I'll write fast! 


	5. Lunch

**Title:** Retracing Steps

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** Don't own nothing.

**A/N: **So here's a nice, long, MerDer-ish chapter. Hope you enjoy, review please!

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**Lunch**

She's way too nervous.

She tells herself she's over him.

That this is just lunch.

Between two friends.

Who haven't seen each other for five years.

She doesn't let herself think about why they didn't see each other.

She's tried on three different outfits.

None of them worked.

She tries to chew her fingernails, but they're all gone.

On the fifth outfit, she finally gets it right.

Her hair is actually agreeing with her, for a change.

She looks good.

She feels…well, she feels extremely nervous.

She's about to eat lunch with the man who she fell in love with.

The one who broke her heart.

The one who caused her to leave Seattle.

The one who she just might still be in love with.

It's a disaster waiting to happen.

…

He paces his trailer.

He's too nervous.

His stomach is doing flip flops.

He just saw Meredith Grey.

Meredith Grey.

The one he fell in love with.

The one who broke his heart.

The one who left and took a part of him with her.

The one who he's most definitely still in love with.

And now he's going to lunch with her.

This should be fun.

…

She arrives five minutes late.

For a few heart-stopping moments, he thought she wasn't coming.

She sits down.

The little girl isn't anywhere to be seen.

"Where's Adrienne?"

"I found a babysitter."

He nods.

"Oh."

They stare at each other for a while.

"How've you been, Meredith? Be honest."

She takes a deep breath.

"Honestly? Not so great. I'm a single mom, who also happens to be a surgeon. It's hard. Lonely."

"I'm sorry. You know, you could've come back. We would have helped you. Cristina, Izzie, George. It would have been easier for you."

"I thought about it. I really did. But I was too scared of coming back. I mean, I just packed up and left everything here. I barely even said good-bye. I was afraid they would think I was a coward."

"You're not a coward for wanting to start over."

She looks at him.

His words mean a lot to her.

"Thanks."

Her voice is soft.

He clears his throat.

"So, what brings you back? I mean, why did you decide to come now?"

"My father died. Three days ago. His funeral was today."

"Oh, Mere, I'm so sorry."

"And the weird part is; I'm not even that sad. Because, to be honest; he was never really my father. He left when I was five years old, and I didn't see him again until twenty years later. I never knew him."

He's looking at her, not with pity, but with sadness.

He's sad for her, that she never had a father.

And he knows; she never really had a mother, either.

She breaks the silence.

"So, how is everybody?"

He proceeds to fill her in with gossip about the hospital.

It's nice.

Just the two of them, talking.

…

She gets home a little later than expected.

She tips the babysitter.

Adrienne's napping.

She goes in, just to watch her sleep.

She smiles.

It's funny how bad choices can have good consequences.

Izzie's voice startles her.

"So, I heard you had a date with McDreamy today."

She turns around, to face Izzie.

"It was not a **date**. It was lunch between two friends."

Izzie just looks at her.

"But you would go on a date with him, wouldn't you? I mean, if he asked?"

"I don't know."

"He's been pining over you for five years. _Five years. _Most guys would have moved on after one."

This thought cheers her up.

_Maybe there's still a chance._

But, not wanting to get her hopes up,

"I'm sure you're exaggerating."

Izzie rolls her eyes.

"Whatever. But I'm telling you, he's still in love with you."

…

Meredith waits until she's lying in bed that night.

She smiles to herself.

_He still loves me._

Maybe coming back to Seattle was a good thing, after all.

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**A/N:** Hope you enjoyed! Anyway, there's some drama coming up later. 'Unresolved issues'. PLEASE REVIEW! 


	6. Need

**Title:** Retracing Steps

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** Don't own nothing.

**A/N:** You know me. Couldn't stay angst-free for long, lol. REVIEW!**

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**Meredith**

She wakes up with a smile on her face.

She's not sure why.

And then she remembers.

Derek.

Loves.

Her.

Those three words are repeating in her brain.

She doesn't mind a bit.

She rolls out of bed, and picks up Adrienne.

…

It's noon; and she hasn't stopped smiling.

Izzie and George think she's on something.

They've never seen her really happy before.

No one has.

…

She takes Adrienne to Day Care.

She has to go visit her father's family.

About his will.

She's surprised they called her.

She barely knew him.

…

They're talking to his lawyer.

She doesn't really understand what he's saying.

So she just nods.

And then he's reading the will.

She feels really awkward.

…

And then he's saying her name.

Her head snaps up.

According to his will, she got a letter.

Well, it was more than she expected.

…

She's sitting on the couch.

Staring at the letter.

Afraid to open it.

So afraid.

…

Finally, she rips open the envelope.

Like ripping off a band-aid.

Quick.

Her hands are shaking as she reads.

Sentences pop out at her.

"…_I'm sorry I wasn't there for you…"_

"_I wasn't the father I should have been."_

"_I shouldn't have just left you with your mother…"_

"_I'm sorry that our marriage didn't work out."_

"_She didn't love me…"_

"…_she loved Richard more."_

"…_he was more like her…"_

"…_a doctor..."_

"_And I just wasn't good enough."_

She feels like her heart is slowing down.

Slowing, before coming to a complete stop.

As she finally realizes what happened to her family.

Her mother cheated.

With her _boss_.

And kicked her father out.

Got rejected.

And told her father that he couldn't see her.

That she'd get full custody.

That he had to stay away.

And suddenly, it hits her like a ton of bricks.

Her father is dead.

Dead.

She can't breathe.

Her body isn't working.

She picks up the phone.

Dials the number she still knows so well.

He picks up after two rings.

"Hello?"

"Derek?"

Her voice is raspy.

"Meredith? What's up? Everything okay?"

"I need you."

He can hear the desperation.

"I'll be right there, okay?"

She nods.

And waits.

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**A/N:** Reviews make me write faster. I swear. 


	7. Cry

**Title:** Retracing Steps

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** Don't own nothing.

**A/N:** Well, I would have updated this morning, but there was some weird glitch (AGAIN!) and I couldn't upload any documents. Sorry about the wait, PLEASE REVIEW!**

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**Cry**

He races to her house.

Knocks on the door.

No response.

Frantic, he opens it.

He stops.

She's there.

On the couch.

Hugging her knees to her chest.

Rocking back and forth.

Tears streaming down her face.

He runs over.

Picks her up.

And holds her.

Just holds her.

He plants a kiss on her forehead.

She buries her face in his chest.

Like a little child.

Afraid of the world outside.

He whispers to her.

"It's okay. It's okay. Shh."

Over and over again.

Her tears are soaking through his shirt.

He doesn't care.

They sit like that for a long time.

Until, finally, she raises her head.

"My father's dead."

"I'm sorry."

She looks so sad.

So broken.

He pulls her to him, again.

And holds her until she falls asleep.

…

The phone rings.

He practically dives across the room.

Before she wakes up.

"Hello?"

It's Adrienne's day care.

"Yes, I'll be right over."

…

At first, they won't let him have her.

Meredith didn't mention anything about him.

He explains that it's a family emergency.

In the end, they let him have her.

Because she recognizes him.

And lets him pick her up.

…

He watches her through the rearview mirror as he drives.

She's an adorable little girl.

Wispy blonde hair.

And big blue eyes.

And a very solemn expression.

Looking at her face, it's easy to forget she's only two.

He feels an ache in his heart.

He wishes that she was his.

His and Meredith's.

…

When Meredith wakes up, she has a headache.

The kind you get from crying too hard.

She sits up in bed.

It's noon.

She can't remember the last time she slept until noon.

Usually Adrienne wakes her up.

Adrienne.

She never picked her up from day care.

Panicked, she jumps out of bed and races down the stairs.

Stops dead in her tracks.

There, on her living room couch, is Adrienne.

Fast asleep.

In Derek's lap.

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**A/N:** I'll try to write fast, I promise. But today's my birthday! So I probably won't have time until tomorrow. 


	8. Leave

**Title:** Retracing Steps

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** Don't own nothing.

**A/N:** There's only one more chapter after this, so enjoy. And for whoever asked, I turned the big 1-5, lol. Only one more year before I'm driving!**

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Leave

She walks over.

Tries to disentangle her daughter.

But his face becomes angry.

Protective.

He won't let her go.

She smiles, and leaves them be.

…

It's late.

Or early.

Depending on how you look at it.

She can't sleep.

She's content to just sit and watch.

Her daughter and her McDreamy.

She doesn't know how else to label him.

He means more than a friend.

But he's not quite a boyfriend.

It's all very confusing.

She tries not to think about it.

…

He wakes up early.

He has to.

He has an early surgery.

He doesn't want to move the little girl.

But he has to.

So he scoops her up, and goes to take her to her room.

A voice stops him.

"I'll take her."

He turns around.

Realizes that she's been there the whole time.

Smiling, she walks over.

Takes her daughter.

And carries her upstairs.

He makes his exit, quietly.

…

When she comes downstairs, he's gone.

She can't help but feel disappointed.

It's selfish.

But she wanted him to stay just a bit longer.

She's leaving in two days.

And she wants to spend as much time as she can with him.

She really doesn't want to leave at all.

But she has a job in Boston.

A life.

And she can't just pack up and move to Seattle.

Just because of him.

He's not even her boyfriend.

Sighing, she starts to make coffee for George and Izzie.

…

He can't concentrate at work.

Well, he can concentrate enough.

Enough to keep from killing someone.

But not enough to be able to carry a concentration.

He keeps thinking about her.

He has to remind himself that it's not permanent.

That she'll be going back soon.

The thought of losing her again terrifies him.

But he can't just ask her to stay.

Stay for him.

It seems so selfish.

And besides, he doesn't even know how she feels.

If she still has feelings.

Or if he's just an old friend.

…

He doesn't call her after work.

This upsets her more than it should.

She watches Barney videos with Adrienne.

Makes cookies.

Or tries to, anyway.

But the distractions don't help any.

She can't help thinking about him.

…

It's been a day.

He hasn't called her.

She feels empty.

The way she felt for five years.

It was finally going away.

And now it's back.

And she can't make it stop.

Sighing with frustration, she picks up the phone.

Dials his number.

Waits for him to answer.

He doesn't.

The machine does.

She leaves a message.

"_Derek, it's me, Meredith. Listen, I kept waiting for you to call, but you never did. Anyway, I'm leaving tomorrow. Flight's at three. So, call me, okay? Or at least come to the airport to say goodbye. I'd really like to see you again. Bye."_

_

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	9. Wait

**Title:** Retracing Steps

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** K+

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it.

**A/N:** So I told a little white lie. This isn't the last chapter. There's one more. But this one is kind of short.**

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**Wait**

She's a little worried.

They're leaving for the airport in three hours.

He hasn't called.

The suitcases are packed.

She's said goodbye to everyone.

Except George and Izzie, of course.

But he hasn't called.

…

He's in the on call room.

Fast asleep.

He doesn't want to go home.

It's too lonely.

So he busies himself with work.

That way, he doesn't have to think about anything.

More specifically, he doesn't have to think about Meredith.

He doesn't know what he's going to do.

…

There's two more hours.

The phone rang once.

She practically jumped over the bed to get to it.

It was a telemarketer.

Asking for "Isabella Stefan".

She hung up.

And went back to waiting.

…

He wakes up.

Walks around the hospital.

Trying to find something to do.

Finally, Bailey tells him to just go home.

He would ignore her.

But Bailey's scary when she's annoyed.

So he goes out to his car.

…

There's only one hour.

She's beginning to panic.

What if he doesn't call?

What if he really doesn't care?

The thought terrifies her.

She loves him.

It's the first time she's admitted it in a long time.

She loves him.

…

He stops at the store on the way home.

He's out of instant dinners.

He used to catch fish.

Fry them.

Now, he eats Ramen Noodles almost every night.

He just doesn't want to bother anymore.

…

She was supposed to leave five minutes ago.

Izzie's calling.

The car's loaded.

Adrienne's in her car seat.

But she's stalling.

She's not ready to give up yet.

…

He's driving home.

His mind is wandering.

She hasn't called him.

He wonders why.

…

She can't stall anymore.

She gets in the passenger's side.

He didn't call.

She can't believe it.

He didn't call.

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**A/N:** I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can. Review, please. 


	10. Finally

**Title:** Retracing Steps

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T (naughty language)

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it.

**A/N:** Sorry I took so long! It's the end of the school year, and I got really busy. And plus, I wasn't exactly in the MerDer mood, after this Sunday's episode. I was so mad at him! Anyway, so this really is the last chapter, and I hope you guys enjoyed this!**

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**Finally**

He walks into the trailer.

Drops the keys on the table.

Opens the refrigerator.

Pulls out a beer.

He notices his voicemail flashing.

He groans.

But walks over and plays it, anyway.

"_Derek, it's me, Meredith. Listen, I kept waiting for you to call, but you never did. Anyway, I'm leaving tomorrow. Flight's at three. So, call me, okay? Or at least come to the airport to say goodbye. I'd really like to see you again. Bye."_

His face turns white.

"Oh, SHIT!"

Desperately, he dials her number.

No one answers.

She's left already.

The only way he can catch her is by going to the airport.

He gets in the car.

And hopes against hope that her flight gets delayed.

…

She hasn't said a word the whole car ride.

She's afraid that if she opens her mouth, she'll start bawling.

And she won't be able to stop.

When they get to the airport, she carries Adrienne.

Izzie takes the suitcases.

Her flight leaves in forty five minutes.

So she has some time to kill.

…

He's probably going to get pulled over before he actually gets to the airport.

He doesn't care about speed limits.

Or red lights.

He can't miss her.

She can't leave.

…

Izzie had to stay behind, once she went through security.

She bought some trashy magazines for the trip.

And some cheesy romance novels.

She's all set to go.

Except for one thing.

She doesn't want to leave.

And she really doesn't want to leave him.

…

He rushes into the airport.

To the nearest counter.

"I need a ticket."

"Where to, sir?"

"I don't care. I want the cheapest ticket you have."

The airline employee looks at him strangely.

"It's a long story. Could you just do it, please?"

She complies.

The time it takes to process seems agonizingly slow.

Finally, she hands him the ticket.

He runs to get in line at security.

…

"_Last call for flight 247."_

Damn it.

That's her flight.

She looks around.

He's nowhere in sight.

He didn't come.

She picks up Adrienne.

Walks toward her flight.

…

She hands her ticket to the flight attendant.

Holds Adrienne close.

The lady smiles at the little girl.

And hands her the ticket stubs.

"Seats 12A and 12B."

She nods.

Goes to board the plane.

A voice stops her.

"Meredith."

She turns around.

It's him.

He came.

She wants to run over.

Give him a hug.

Never let go.

But she's rooted to the spot.

Mouth slightly open in shock.

So he comes to her.

…

He made it.

He can't believe it.

He actually made it.

He walks toward her.

She's just standing there.

Looking at him.

Her daughter is pulling at her arm.

She doesn't seem to notice.

Finally, he's right in front of her.

"Meredith."

"Derek."

Without a second thought, he pulls her close.

She wraps her arms around him.

The people in the airport are staring at them oddly.

But they don't care.

Because they've been waiting for this for five years.

And finally, everything's okay again.

* * *

**A/N:** Review, please! 


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